I posted this a day or two ago...and then it somehow disappeared from the blog. Dan has informed me that sometimes Google has a tendency to lose posts so he was able to find me a copy to re-post here. I don't have the sweet comments that were left, but at least we found the post :)
I have so many thoughts floating around in my head right now that I'm not sure I can even put into words what I want to say here...but its important enough that I want to write it down...so here goes...
We tried to go shopping last night for some baby things we think we're going to need. After having 4 kids and moving states and houses several times, some things just don't hold up like you'd hope they would. We were in need of an infant car seat and a double stroller to accommodate both the baby and Joseph when he gets home in a few months. Keep in mind that I currently have 4 pretty independent kids right now (my littlest acts like he's 8 already!) We've had no diapers, no baby bags...yeck, we haven't even needed a crib in quite awhile....they're all in bunk beds. I haven't had to worry about a stroller in a few years...my youngest just runs with the pack :)
The last time I bought a new stroller or a car seat was when my 10 and 9 year olds were babies. We've had consignment or hand-me-downs when needed. But Dan and I weren't even sure what we might be looking for so we decided to try to BabiesRUs to see what's even out there.
Lets just say that this mama didn't handle the trip very well. We're not mall people. We're not "buy the latest and nicest thing" people and I was completely overwhelmed at the extravagance of it all. You walk in one of those places and you could spend your life feeling like you're a failure if you didn't have all the items your "supposed" to have in order to have a baby. And the cost of items just made everything in me sink to the floor. These kinds of stores are why people think they can't afford to have more than one or two children. And I know better....but it still got to me and I was a wreck. I was hit with a million assaults...what are we doing? How can we be doing all of this? Adoption is so expensive...and look how much it costs just to get some baby necessities? How are we going to do all of this?
Needless to say, it was a horrible night and we purchased nothing for this upcoming baby and I went home feeling defeated. We finally DID find a double stroller and car seat used on Craig's List for a much more reasonable price...its not what I would have liked to buy, but it's what made the most sense and it will do just fine.
The really amazing part came with the blessings of church the next morning. We ended up at a different church than our church...we go there occasionally, but its not our actual parish. There is a boy in that parish who looks to be about 9 years old....and he has Down Syndrome. I've seen him before and today he was actually up on the altar as an altar boy helping to serve Mass. Granted, he really didn't have any job to do...you could tell they just wanted to include him in helping with the Mass...but he was still up there participating and he was so happy to be involved. He looks a lot like what I envision Joseph to look like when he is that age.
I couldn't help but stare at him throughout the Mass....and cry. I was trying to hold it together until the Deacon at this church proceeded to get up and give a homily all about an orphan in an orphanage on Epiphany Sunday....lets just say I had to excuse myself to the bathroom so I could sob for a bit. Not sad sobbing...more like overwhelmed, incredibly grateful sobbing, I suppose. We may be tackling a whole host of crazy things right now...due with a baby in 3 weeks, just recently traveling overseas to bond and love on an orphan who we now call our son, 4 kids already and homeschooling and life and you name it- it's crazy! But we get the chance to bring our amazing Joseph home and teach him about Jesus. We get to bring him to church for the first time in his life. I can now see him as a 9 year old involved with his church, loving life and home with his family. I can see how his sweet, loving nature is going to change me as a mama for the better. I am blessed.
Life is overwhelming at times, but our home is filling up with beautiful treasures from God and in the middle of all the chaos I am broken with thankfulness. I am so incredibly thankful that we didn't let the difficulty of adoption scare us off from just saying "Yes!" to Our Lord. This baby will come...with whatever we have or don't have because it doesn't matter. Joseph will join our home not because we are super prepared for his special needs or are especially equipped to be his parents...no, we're just trying to see life from Our Lord's perspective...and love unconditionally like He does.
And we trust that He is working out the details... ;)
So today was Epiphany Sunday...when Jesus received His gifts from the Magi. And I, too, received a gift. Some loving reassurance from Our Lord and some eternal perspective.